Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Jesus Had it Way Easier

So, today was my last day on the job. I had to quit today, tie all the loose ends, complete pending projects, and clean out my desks before the end of the day. Actually, I ended up staying way later than everyone else. All day I had people coming over to my desk telling me how much they would miss me. All the managers gathered for lunch and sponsored a pizza and salad send-off party. I was very pleased and touched by their show of appreciation. I received a card with everyone’s little notes of support and appreciation. I received emails with some really sincere compliments. Leaving work at the end of the day was really hard. Walking out of the tower, onto the cold, wide-open plaza, I felt like I was stepping into an epistemological unknown. It was disturbing and very disconcerting. I looked up at the buildings around me, I heard the blare of the NBC studio news station, I watched the street lights switch signals, and I felt such a deep sense of sadness. I will so intensely miss the evidence and spectacle of this human greatness all around me, of human achievement, of all the materialistic wonders that this city so proudly boasts. As I walked, looking all around me, paying unusually keen attention to everything, I wanted to cry at some moments, but I couldn’t. So, I sang aloud instead. I sang and hummed my way as I walked – aloud; singing anything, just expressing my love for this life, for this city, for this country, and for everything I have experienced here. As I climbed onto a bus, I stood by the door for a moment and watched it carefully as it closed, and for a moment I marveled at the ingeniousness of the mind that created the technology that expresses its greatest achievement by the fact that it goes unnoticed most of the time. Machine and technology so smoothly and undisturbingly applied to the service of human life. I am going to lose so much of what makes me me. A part of me will be lost after I leave America. The part of me that has a greed for freedom and independence. The part of me that has this passionate pursuit of my own happiness. The part of me that seeks to lose itself in the greatness of other minds and their ideas. I will miss the witness of free and open speech expressed in the movies, music, books, politics, news reports, and media. I will miss the challenge of ideas, the battle of opinions, the occasional triumph of truth, and the joy all of that brings. I will miss the myriad of choices for any and everything offered here, the wonderful variety of vegetables and meat at a grocery store, of cuisines and restaurants, of theaters and cultural events. I will miss the capitalist system of competition that allows for so many FREE provisions like free wireless internet, free samples in the supermarket, free give-away prizes, free concerts in the summer, free pulic parks with world-class technology. All these are materialistic values. But they express the most treasured values of my life for me. They express the fundamental values that makes all the rest possible. And very soon, I will be deprived of the material and the spiritual. I am facing a sacrifice of the spirit, of the mind, of my soul – far worse than anything Jesus had to endure. He, assuming he was God and all, WANTED to be crucified. It was part of his divine plan. He wanted to die for us, and so he did. Hardly a sacrifice if what he got in return (the souls of the world) was a far better deal than what he had to give up – his temporary physicality.. Besides, clearly, being that he was God, he obviously had to merely play “mock death” – and then rise up again 3 days later. Only his corporeal façade was crucified, not his divine spirit. I am a full and complete human being. I DO NOT want to die - especially not a decaying death of the spirit. I have no plans of crucifying myself. The sacrifice of my spiritual values is a true sacrifice because I’m getting shit in return. My spiritual values will be taken away, and along with it will also go all my physical and material values. What I get in return is stagnation, decay, loss of direction, lack of self-autonomy, and an environment of coercive repression. I do not want this, and yet I have to face it. Mine is truly a higher sacrifice.

6 Comments:

Blogger Jason Hughes said...

I am so sorry you have to leave... so many people die to get into this nation, yet so many also die deaths of the soul as well... I wish you luck, and maybe you'll be able to come back again at some future date...

Will you be able to still blog when you return to your home country? (I don't even know your place of origin!) I know some countries like China and others keep tight rein on things like that...

Remember that even though you feel this impending death, no one can control or kill your spirit. Stay strong--who knows? You may start a revolution in your own country... our choice of paths is many and what we do on those paths is limitless...

3/07/2006 11:21:00 AM  
Blogger Ergo Sum said...

Jason, thanks for your words of support. I probably will be able to blog... from India (where I'm from), but given that we have something called the "moral" police in India, given that the largest controller of the internet domain is a government ISP, and given the poor and pathetic state of the India infrastructure, I suspect that blogging, or doing anything much on the internet, might be very difficult... not to mention the censorship laws that govern all media.

Anyway. India is probably not all that bad for those that don't mind a little compromise of their values, that don't mind putting up with a little bit of violation, or holding only a few contradictions. For me, it's unbearably disgusting. It's bad enough for me to be annoyed by the invasive and collectivist activities of the government of America, living in India - the largest democracy of collectivism - would most certainly drain my spirits.
I know I will leave that country again... soon after I get there, I know I will begin a process of leaving to go elsewhere... ofcourse, I cannot let myself just stagnate.

3/07/2006 03:14:00 PM  
Blogger JohnJEnright said...

I hope you find a way to come back, somehow.

3/07/2006 08:14:00 PM  
Blogger Semperviva said...

what??? yer leaving?? where aer you goin?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

3/08/2006 08:10:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I too am sorry that you have to leave. I don't know your particular circumstances (why you have to leave), but here's hoping that you will be able to come back here sometime soon.

3/13/2006 03:16:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What is the big deal? Don't be silly. There's nothing wrong with India!! Stupid of you to say these things about your own country, are you mad? Deluded? Or just sucking up to America?

12/26/2006 12:15:00 AM  

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