Friday, December 30, 2005

Untitled

You broke the morning sun On a flat non-stick pan, The searing sound hissed in my sleep Your milk and eggs, Or, your health and strength Such discipline you demanded Even the yolk knew better than to seep In my dreams I wondered How your hair would look today Not that I cared too much, Or that I could care at all, While you stepped out the door Into the bathroom, I walked Squinting at that sleepy-cute face Admiring me watching myself The cold breeze kissed you Good Morning The cold water slapped me wide awake You walked a short distance, Carrying the earth behind you I dragged my towel across the floor I did not wonder, only for a moment Where would you be Would you be waiting for me You couldn't wait Nor could I wonder So, I thought, how is the weather?- 36 degrees! Did you have your jacket on? Surely enough, as I stepped onto the train And caught your glance glancing at me I knew why the morning seemed much brighter Your hair told me of the dream I had Your warm jacket invited me to your corner So I sat with you, Tightly huddled next to you Our separate mornings had just ended Our silent poetry had only just begun

5 Comments:

Blogger Ergo Sum said...

I just realized... this is a pretty bad poem! Though, I think it has tremendous potential... the idea is very good, and is waiting to be exploited fully and properly. Hmmm... I especially hate the fourth stanza "I did not wonder... How is the weather... Did you have your jacket on?" Eeeuk!

Damn.. I'll need to think about how I can fix this shit. Oh, and I need a title too. Hmmmmmm...

1/03/2006 12:40:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Silently Dreaming" ??
"Unforgotten Dreams" ??
"Our Empty Corner" ??

Just a few ideas...

1/03/2006 02:42:00 PM  
Blogger Ergo Sum said...

Oh? Hmmm... Thanks for the title suggestions...

But the poem's not about a "dream"... nor is there anything to "unforget" or "forget"... and there isn't really any "empty" corner that I refer to...

Honestly, thanks for the suggestions... they are certainly more thought-provoking than the pathetic one that Rubicunt suggested: The Commute

1/03/2006 03:15:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, ok.

1 Surely enough, as I stepped onto the train
2 And caught your glance glancing at me
3 I knew why the morning seemed much brighter
4 Your hair told me of the dream I had
5 Your warm jacket invited me to your corner
6 So I sat with you,
7 Tightly huddled next to you

8 Our separate mornings had just ended
9 Our silent poetry had only just begun

In line five you speak of a corner and continue talking about "huddling next to you" but it seems like it is only in your mind that you are huddling with someone, hence the "empty corner".

The entire poem seems like a dream you wish you could live, things you wish were reality, unable to speak about them so I suggested "Silently Dreaming" as well as "Unforgotten Dreams".

Perhaps I have just interpretted it wrong.

"The Commute"...hmm, seems like there is more to this poem than just a commute...

1/03/2006 03:32:00 PM  
Blogger Ergo Sum said...

And P.S.

Why are we all playing a charade here?? Is anyone interested in a dumb charade? No.

So, anonymous.. why don't you reveal (tyr.., *cough, *ahem) yourself...

I won't bite! :)

1/03/2006 04:38:00 PM  

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