Friday, September 23, 2005

Best Comment on "Lovers Death"

Gosh! This is the BEST comment I've received so far for ANY of my works! Just the other day, I was lamenting about how people are so hesitant to make critcism about another's works... that they'd rather say NOTHING than make some honest criticism. And one does not need to be HARSH in going about doing it!If you notice, I'm always going around people's blogs posting exactly what I think... if I like, I say I do. If I don't like it, I say I don't. If I think this person could write it better, I say it straightforward.I'm glad finally someone decided to say something real like that! So here I quote Sasca, a.k.a Just an Ordinary Girl, and most recently a.k.a Cabrizella: "well, i liked he poem, it was, hmmm, there was something about it that did feel a bit "stunted" it just seems to me like it could flow more, there is one part i really like alot about how the lover takes breath in and this pumps air into you... i am not sure but its seems to me it would make more sense if the lover's exhaling is what pumps breath into you? i just read it and like the idea but then i was like- wait- that woulden't flow in a natural sense, i dunno, i like the surgeon imaery most of all it is very striking---the wholeidea of a surgery gone wrong like the surgeon is meant to save your life not take it--- so it makes it all the more shocking that he would let you die/bleed to death since its not what a surgeon does... so emphasis on trust and then ensuing shock might kmake it more powerful but i'm not sure....the ending i thought was a little bit cliche- i think you can say the same thing in a more innovative way to make it more powerful-- if its an old truth said in a new way it strikes the heart more deeply it seems but yeah i totally loev the idea i think you could make it amaaazing, right now it hink its just ok... thats my honest opinion. sasca"


Blogger Ergo Sum said...

Ofcourse though, I don't agree with all of your comments, Sasca.

I think I would justify my sequence of breathing-pumping because the intimacy between the inhalation of his breath and my lungs getting pumped is closer than him inhaling, then exhaling and then I get to inhale his breath... you see?
I wanted it to be an indistinguishable amalgamation of two beings, such that one breathing in also meant the other inhaling the breath.

About your "stunted" comment. I do agree with that. I thought it did so too. Hmmm... that's true.

9/23/2005 01:49:00 PM  
Blogger Semperviva said...

okay- your description of the one breathing gives you breath- the description you put aboce actually DID cross my mind, but i think then you should somehow emphasize this amalgamation more, if possible, i agree with your above aim but i think you could make that more clear that its not the exhalation but one movement... perhaps

9/23/2005 05:19:00 PM  
Blogger Semperviva said...

*above ( ie the description that the unity is soooo grweat that the ones life becomes the others)

9/23/2005 05:35:00 PM  
Blogger Semperviva said...

so ADD explains so much huh?

9/26/2005 09:57:00 AM  
Blogger Semperviva said...

btw, it was my pleasure! (to comment honestly is the least i could do)

9/26/2005 09:58:00 AM  

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